Dear United Synagogue Day School Bayview campus,
13 years ago I was spending my lunch break with two of my cohorts in the stairwell, just joking and eating, and engaging in all around hooliganism. There was pushing and shoving and lots of laughs, and before I knew it I was handed a Hostess cupcake.
You know the cupcake I’m talking about: chocolate cake with dried chocolate icing and cream in the middle. Basically a fat 13-year-old’s wet dream (but 13 is the puberty age, so it could’ve been a regular wet dream). And as a fat 13-year-old, I was very excited to receive such a treat (the cupcake, not the dream. Okay I’ll stop with that). This excitement was only underlined by the severe lack of Hostess cupcakes in my life at the time. The Ziploc baggie of grapes just wasn’t cutting it anymore. So when my friends had Hostess cupcakes in their lunches, I was relentless. “Can I have that?”; “you gonna eat that?”; “Hey look over there!” *snatch* *lick* “…I licked that, sooo you probably don’t want it anymore, eh?”. Just general fat cupcake-greed. And it was probably one of these methods that landed me a cupcake on that faithful day. And as much as I would have loved to eat that cupcake, I didn’t. You can probably guess what I did do, U.S.D.S. Bayview. I mean you are a school; you should be smart enough to decipher that the title of the article and the point of the story are related. But since you are in fact a building that I’m writing to, I will simplify things:
I didn’t eat the cupcake. I threw the cupcake at the stairwell wall.
You may be asking yourself, U.S.D.S. Bayview, “but why, anonymous letter writer? Why??”. Well I can’t really tell you why. I really don’t know why. I just felt like doing it. And it was fun while I did it. And it was fun after I did it. There was cake and frosting and cream stuck to the wall. There was a pile of crumbs at the foot of the stairs. There was an uproar of laughter and confusion from my friends, as well as from myself, because I really had no idea what compelled me to do such a thing. But it was a lot of fun. I still talk about it with one of my friends who was there. When we visited the stairwell days, weeks, months later, the mess was still on the wall. We talk about it, and we laugh. I laugh the hardest, because I know: I left my mark on you, U.S.D.S Bayview. My cream is all over your walls.
I’m not apologizing by the way. It’s just a fun story and a fun thing to do when you just need to spontaneously change gears.
(I totally just covered my tracks – Jesse Ganz)
But look, I know this sounds stupid, reckless, wasteful, and just a dick move, but seriously it’s kinda really fun. I’m not telling you to do it everyday. I’m not even telling you to do it more than once. I’m just saying, if you haven’t thrown some splattery food against a wall, ever in your life, consider it. It’s a good alternative to getting angry, being bored, eating. Just picture it, ok? Are you picturing it? Good! Does it look like fun? I know, right?!
Happy April Fool’s Day! Hebrew day school sucks! But thank you to my parents for taking an interest in my education and my future!!!
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